Hey Faggot, gimme a job!
The following is an excerpt from this week's Savage Love:
Did you know that if you Google "huge breasts," you get 1,170,000 hits? But if you Google "huge balls," you get only 67,000? And that if you Google "huge asshole," you get 8,830—including a link to the official White House web site?
My assistant, Mahrya, discovered these amazing facts, BREAST, while tracking down Tiffany Towers and Wendy Whoppers, neither of whom responded, as they say at The New York Times, to my repeated requests for comment. I could have looked up "huge breasts" myself, I suppose, but enormoboobs are so early- to mid-Clinton-era, you know? I like to reserve my time for researching newer, freakier fetishes, thank you very much, so it seemed like the perfect assignment for my assistant. Apparently not. Shortly after tracking down Tiffany Towers, Mahrya informed me that she's moving on. It seems my assistant found more respectable work at a law firm where she won't have to Google "huge breasts" ever again. (The partners will have to Google that for themselves.) While I'm sorry to see Mahrya go—thanks for everything, M—I am looking forward to hiring a new assistant. Does spending the day Googling enormoboobs, tracking down retired porn stars, and gently reminding me about deadlines I've already missed sound appealing? Send me an e-mail. (Male applicants are encouraged to enclose pictures of themselves in Speedos.)
The following is the email I sent to Dan Savage in response to his job posting:
Dear Dan,
I'm a recent university grad who's been vainly searching for administrative work in the wiles of eastern Canada. I live in Fredericton, New Brunswick, about a four-hour drive from your friends at Venus Envy in Halifax, and about an hour and a half from the Maine border. Anyway, I would be more than happy to relocate to sunny Seattle if you'd be willing to hire me as your assistant... I've got a brother in Portland and I love the Pacific North West.
Working as your assistant makes perfect sense for me because since I've been unemployed, I already spend a great deal of time Googling terms like "huge boobs". I'm sorry that I'm not a boy who wears Speedos, but rest assured that my bushy-tailed enthusiasm will more than make up for my missing appendages. I've been a fan of yours for years, and I promise to never leave you for a law firm.
I've attached my resume, and I hope to hear from you.
Cheers,
Mary
Hello dream job!
Did you know that if you Google "huge breasts," you get 1,170,000 hits? But if you Google "huge balls," you get only 67,000? And that if you Google "huge asshole," you get 8,830—including a link to the official White House web site?
My assistant, Mahrya, discovered these amazing facts, BREAST, while tracking down Tiffany Towers and Wendy Whoppers, neither of whom responded, as they say at The New York Times, to my repeated requests for comment. I could have looked up "huge breasts" myself, I suppose, but enormoboobs are so early- to mid-Clinton-era, you know? I like to reserve my time for researching newer, freakier fetishes, thank you very much, so it seemed like the perfect assignment for my assistant. Apparently not. Shortly after tracking down Tiffany Towers, Mahrya informed me that she's moving on. It seems my assistant found more respectable work at a law firm where she won't have to Google "huge breasts" ever again. (The partners will have to Google that for themselves.) While I'm sorry to see Mahrya go—thanks for everything, M—I am looking forward to hiring a new assistant. Does spending the day Googling enormoboobs, tracking down retired porn stars, and gently reminding me about deadlines I've already missed sound appealing? Send me an e-mail. (Male applicants are encouraged to enclose pictures of themselves in Speedos.)
The following is the email I sent to Dan Savage in response to his job posting:
Dear Dan,
I'm a recent university grad who's been vainly searching for administrative work in the wiles of eastern Canada. I live in Fredericton, New Brunswick, about a four-hour drive from your friends at Venus Envy in Halifax, and about an hour and a half from the Maine border. Anyway, I would be more than happy to relocate to sunny Seattle if you'd be willing to hire me as your assistant... I've got a brother in Portland and I love the Pacific North West.
Working as your assistant makes perfect sense for me because since I've been unemployed, I already spend a great deal of time Googling terms like "huge boobs". I'm sorry that I'm not a boy who wears Speedos, but rest assured that my bushy-tailed enthusiasm will more than make up for my missing appendages. I've been a fan of yours for years, and I promise to never leave you for a law firm.
I've attached my resume, and I hope to hear from you.
Cheers,
Mary
Hello dream job!
posted by Mary at 11:02 p.m.
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